I am struck
By this eerie silence
As I find the eyes of the storm
+Repeat+This poem is drunk-
On the bottom of a bottle-
Of 5 o’clock somewhere
Singing in the rain-
To the dissonant tune-
Of ocean waves-
See you tomorrow-
Is another day-
+Storms 2+Square your shoulders
And set your gaze to the far off distance
Because that’s where you need to set your sights
Far beyond this nightmarish dilemma
Of whether or not loving you liking you a lot, is right
I have a pride you’re not witness to
That allows me to turn my back on the best things in my life
Face the opposite direction and pretend—
That you never hijacked this train
And never held the conductor at wistful gunpoint
It leaves me writing at 5a.m.
Wringing my hands like laundry for the line
And licking my lips just for a taste
Of your latest cigarette smoke
While my version of a relationship swirls down the drain
Keep your commitment, and your confusion too
Remember me by the scars on your shoulders
Because I’m a garish reality
And I’ve been fixing this game all along
Luck was never on my side
+Storms+These russet eyes of a war torn vixen
Are crying out in silent strife
Spilling more secrets than a tied tongue ever could—
It’s a shame you can’t make out their tune
Because I’ve got open arms and an open rib cage
Broken hopes you’re so talented at mending
Stitching me back together with wisps of chemicals—
Tendrils from your soul and the last cigarette of the night
I stood knee deep in the rain
Turning it brackish with taciturn tears
Frozen on my cheeks like the Christmas lights
That shone through the blizzard of the fade to white
All it took was a touch
And those hazel eyes entombed me
Trapped me in this incessant winter called my heart
Which still beats with the scars of failed hopes
You built these walls around me and let me call you home
Protection from the winds warring outside
Hold me close and let me stay here—
Where I can see the stars again
Where I tread in the eye of the storm
A dance turned deadly game
But keep me in her blinds spot
+Untitled+I find it ironic
That you gave me a white hare
Because I never
Feel like I have enough time (with you)
+There's Something About the Rain+There's something sensual about the rain
The way it feels like a touch from a few hundred miles away
Sent on the wings of something a bit more sinister
Coloring the sky with charcoal smears
As my hearts learns to start letting you go
Faint whispers of sweet nothings
Coalescing into recollections of relationships passed
Deep enough to get your feet wet
But too shallow to drown your wasted days
At the bottom of the next bottle
Could you see me watching from the thunderheads
As you ducked under the ring of an eclipse?
A darkened view of a lost world
With dreams that once were, sloughing from the edges
Eyes closed to the sins you've committed
I wished you were here
As I sat with my feet in the rain-washed gutter
Watching the dissolved remnants of today's news
Drift over my toes, washing me clean of the condemning thoughts
That might keep me up at night
Taking the nervous tension from my veins
That would otherwise have me clawing at my neck
And sending it off to another rainy city
+I Didn't Fall Asleep in the Arms of Another+Sometimes I wish I were Annabel Lee
Because then at least I'd have a reason to wait up at night
In our pretend kingdom with a false sea
Where tears have coalesced into something bigger than any of us
But too small to hold on to
As it runs through the cracks in our fingers
Like the cracks in the sidewalk
Yawning gap-toothed grins of metropolitan proportions
Gateways to throats like deserts
Missing voices cracked under the strain
And lack of rain
But no shortage of year old pain medications
And pearly white tally marks
That tell me how long I've been a prisoner here
I was once trapped behind my eyelids
But there was no lack of blood red light
As looked at myself from the outside in
I realized what an ugly thing I had become
And the false sea rose to high-tide
I fell into the arms of Mariana
Silky tendrils embracing this mistake
Like you had forgotten you could
And as the shafts of light turned my chocolate eyes, death-blue
I remembered that you would regret
What you thought I had forgott
I can hear the shivers rattling up your spine
Reverberating in mahogany eyes
Until they shake your tears lose
And return them to Mariana
Your bones are too loud
The birds inside are screaming
The words inside are dreaming
Your joints are clattering like silverware on porcelain
The world is driving me deaf
The thoughts of a trillion hearts
Are stuck on death
Because it's the only promise ever kept
The sound of your eyes
Watching the back of your skull
Is like the frost under your fingernails
Scratched from a bus window
The crickets in the field
Aren't really singing
They're catching up on the mourning
While the night runs away
+I Swear I Can+My eyelids are heavy, maybe I'm just tired, or maybe my body is telling me to go back to sleep.
Only in my dreams are you close enough to touch. But with each arm thrust into icy water, I realize your reality is rippling. I realize you're just a reflection with no origin.
You're so very far away tonight, and you couldn't possibly be here in my ice water arms.
The reality is.
You're too far away to touch, but I can feel you.
+I Didn't Need to Know+I never knew
Butterflies could feel like flacons
I can feel their 3ft wingspans
Pressing against my ribs
In a desperate bid
Leaving plumes in the spaces
Between my vertebrae,
And the gaps in my pulse
When my heart holds its breath
And you hold my heart
And we hold each other
Because the world is too damn cold
I never knew
Calling at taxi at 3a.m.
And telling it to drive south
Until the fields became never-ending
And the horizon became convex
Would be in my repertoire
Of vanishing acts
That my knuckles would ache
From the constant need
To assure you hadn't vanished
Into the smoke of a cigarette
Carried away from here
Like so many past ghosts
I never knew
Pain could be so fleeting
An apology so sweet
A comfort so complete
In the end I'm left
Interrogating my magic 8 ball
Demanding to be told
Where you hide the patience
To watch all the angels fall from the sky
With your coffee stain eyes,
With careful indifference
With arms wide open
You caught every piece of me
The Girl Who Was Afraid To BeShe speaks to me fondly
of passions and talents,
of guitars and stars,
with such breathless intensity
then stops short and
for speaking at all.
All because somewhere in her life,
someone she loved broke her heart
her beautiful words
and telling her to
keep it down,
People aren’t born sad.
We make them that way.
He Wore My Makeup AgainAt least it wasn't a dress this time,
but I know that my boyfriend
has something to hide.
When I'm not looking, he takes my purse,
uses my make up to cover the hurts.
Dabs his fingers into my foundation,
taps it on his face, with hands
as skilled as a physician.
The brush he rubs down the angles of his cheek.
He should be thankful that he's
the same complexion as me.
I've never seen him with a bare face,
whenever he's with me,
the make up will stay.
At least he hasn't used my lipstick
yet, I don't know how I would
feel about him adorned in red.
And my eye shadow, he seems to leave alone,
it seems he uses my make up,
just for an even tone.
Perhaps he'll progress to using the rest,
and then I suppose then, he'll start
wearing a dress.
I guess it's slow, this painful transition.
I just want him to say it,
he's already got my attention.
I get it he's a cross dresser, he has to be right?
Isn't that what men who want to
be women describe themselves like?
I think I'll confront him about his f
acrimonyi have spent too long loving you
like a store shutting down, slashing my prices,
hoping there’s something here you might
want to buy before i go under.
this is not your fault. i was told that loving
desperately and wholly was light years
better than loving practically, but you
have spent four years loving me like i am a siege
and you are worried that your fortress’s walls
are not high enough. i think i mean
that you love me cautious; you love me
most nights i waste hours not looking at my phone
and trying to remind myself how much i am
worth without you by my side. the numbers
never add up. maybe this is because
you have never been constant enough to be an equation.
look here, i have it on good authority
that universes exist in my skin and stars have died
so that i could live. stars have died and i have
survived and you will not be the one to make me wish
my soul was nothing but a black hole.
i can’t shake the thought that you are my novel and
i am y
things to take to college1. between the two of us, we have eaten miles
of pavement, we have spent months pressing
the same four wheels into the ground.
whenever you need to, follow those tracks again.
they will lead you back home.
2. there are songs i only figured out how to sing
with you beside me. even now, the words
sound awkward in my throat.
the notes are wrong. i’m not sure what makes
something sacred, but words like that
i only know how to sing with a quiet
reverence i can’t seem to find anymore.
3. i am good at writing poems that convince
people to stay. i don’t know how to write
a poem to someone that i know is going to leave
no matter what i say.
4. you have faith in spades. and i’m not talking about
god. i’m talking about that tangible faith in
humanity, the faith that always makes you
ask me how my day was, even if the answer
is always the same.
5. to be truthful, i don’t want you to stay.
some people are made for the great unknown.
6. we have watched more sunset
I won't cryyou can ask me how I am.
that's okay I won't cry
I don't know how I am, I can't correctly describe it.
Other than to say there's a constant ache in my chest
and a tightness in my throat,
with swelled up emotions sitting somewhere at the back of my eyes.
You should be careful what you say
but then I can't even explain what triggers these feelings
so say what you like,I'll just react in which ever way,
cos I have no controll now.
The way I feel everyday, has become so familiar to me,
since I lost him.
Sometimes it's so hard to bear,
the constant ache in my chest threatens to crush me
It's hard to breath.
The tightness im my throat burns,
I want to wail out loud my inarticulate utterances of grief
and release all my pent up emotions.
But don't worry you can ask me how I am.
It's okay, I won't cry.
Written by Suzanne karbach
21st may 2015
It Was Never You...It really wasn't...
And I know that I can twist this truth as much as I want...
Whenever I'm sober, when I know I can put up that fake plastic smile;
Just a few formal words that burn like acid from a liar's lips!
"Differences in personality, a divergence in ideals..."
Please, fucking, SPARE ME!
Because when I look in this mirror, I know.
When I see myself looking back at me, I know.
Right here, right in front of my own blackened self;
Those eyes that both reflect and stare into my dingy soul.
I was the problem.
I was the instigator.
I was the perpetrator.
And when I had broken every last bit of her,
I was the one, who let it all fall to pieces.
So please, you don't have to feel sorry for me,
I am a bastard and I've got a very special place in hell waiting for me...
- Word of Chen, Darkest Hour, 16th February 2015
GayI am gay.
I'm not a disease, I'm not a problem
I'm not an affliction
I don't need treatment.
I don't need help
I'm not sick
I'm not confused
I'm not a sin.
I am gay.
I'm your daughter
Your co worker
A complete stranger
I am gay.
I need love, just like you
I need smiles
I need support
I need a hug
I need a friend
I need a family
I need acceptance
I need understanding
I need you
I am gay.
I know what love is
I know what pain is
I know what hate is
I know what life is
I am gay.
And I need you to love me
The same way you loved me before you knew
I am gay.
And I have experienced hate
From more people than just you
I am gay.
And I wont change.
I wont give up.
I wont back down.
I wont pretend.
I wont lie.
I wont deny.
I wont hide.
I wont hurt.
I am gay.
And that's okay.
AlcoholicYour tux is the color
of a coal miner’s face
after a long, hard day of work-
something you’ve never
had to experience
yet you talk as though
you’re just as worn out;
your trivial chit-chat
is turning syrupy with every sip,
although your sentences
aren’t getting any sweeter
you grab another glass
of the effervescent liquid,
hoping the sea of people
will turn to black coal,
and it will be dark enough
for you to fall asleep
as you walk tipsily to the bathroom,
the overpaid opera singer
belts her last high note- a bit too high;
your crystal glass shatters
into a thousand pieces
And with it, you shatter too.
I couldn't see the consequences-
As I tried to trust my heart
I just couldn't resist-
The blind love that ceased my wars
Helping me let go of the struggles-
That I foolishly held in my hands
I freed the thoughts that quarreled-
Tears fell in order for me to stand
Truth can be the worst enemy
Lies can be the strongest ally
Harmony isn't immune to tragedy
Because you made a myth out of your apparent humanity
Mistakes can never be renamed! / Scars can never be erased!
Compassion is used as bait! / Two sides to every face!
A piece of peace is caged! / Watch the bridge burn away!
I'll desecrate the meaning of “passion”
You redefined my every moral
There will be no hesitation
I won't need anyone -anymore-
I ignored the risks-
Of handing over my hope
Killed by a kiss-
Turning my world to stone
I believed in your deceit-
And I fell too hard
My mind endlessly screams-